Dear Readers
Current mood: I dunno what to make of it , half sad, half happy... half regretful
I just watched an episode of an episode of " The Mentalist". It's one of those episode that makes you reflect our your own life. It certainly made me think about my life, i realized that my whole life has been a big cover. A grand race away from realities of life.
Yes. I realized i have never faced anything dead straight in my life, i know you may not get what I'm saying but bear with me. Truth is i think I'm scared of life... I'm afraid of conflicts, I'm afraid of what people think of me, I'm afraid of facing people's views, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of god, I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy life, I'm afraid that my lies will come back and haunt me one day, I'm afraid of my father, I'm afraid of disappointing my family, I'm afraid of being an incompetent, I'm afraid that I'm not doing anything about it, I'm afraid of not being good at anything, I'm afraid that i have no one to call my own, I'm afraid that I'm weird, I'm afraid that i don't fit in now, I'm afraid of the regrets in my life, I'm afraid of letting go.........
I'm pretty sure there are a lot more I'm afraid of (These are what i can think of for now). But how do i know I'm afraid of these things?... Literally the way i live my life is testimony of it. I avoid everything that I'm afraid of.... i seek an escape for each thing I'm afraid and never facing it... i guess some can see it. My over-closeness, weirdness, my isolation, me keeping people from truly understanding me, my conflicted-behavior, childish manner of seeking praise, lies, delusions , self-absorb-ness, my addiction to feeling victimized, my tendencies to let people run over me, the unusual way i interact with people, shadiness, are all the accumulated result of me not facing life when i had the chance.
Kinda make me regret parts of my life ... when i think about it. Well i guess there is no point now ... only got to look forward and make the best with what i have now... and tackle each insecurities down. It was difficult for me to share this with you .... but.... i trust you (whoever is reading this) to not judge me for them ... but support me as i overcome each one.
my way to stop avoiding what's presently in front of me.
I can identify with your post! A lot of the time I like to run away from things I'm afraid of. But running away only makes me even more afraid and it just gets worse.
ReplyDeleteBut glad you're looking forward! I always remind myself that God wanted to create me just the way I am :) And so there is nothing to dislike about myself. I just have to accept all that I am and pray that God will continue to mold me into the person He wants me to become :)
--michelle