My Next Step

Dear Reader

Current mood: Still Searching

Today was rather laid back for me , spent my mornings trying to survive the ever boring speech from my head of camp about National Day Parade. The rest of the day was spent making sure , i won't run out of driving lessons.

So what's been on my mind?

Well its this ever conscious headache from thinking too much. haha But as i sit here in front of my *sexy mac , i ponder and reflect on my actions these past months and wonder how it could have been better. Its amazing how many things strike me , how there are so many moments i wished i could change , how it could have been more conservative , how it could be more loving , how it could have been handled more maturely. Somehow it adds to this very large discontentment in my life. There are of course wonderful moments , but there is this challenge to make it better :/

Of course , whatever i go through will always be offered up to Jesus. The issue comes is when Jesus tells me to do something ... usually revealed the in book of his words. I admit , its really difficult to apply to my life , not because i cant do it * i think anyone is capable of following god's commands and all , in a way its easy. The problem is for how long. Keeping up the commandment is the real heart of the conundrum. So as you can see , more wisdom and understanding is needed for me to pave way for him to enter my life. I'm praying that ...... i'll have the strength and will to make time for Jesus . i owe him ...

The other issue is that , i have this terrible narrow perspective. Its in a way very self-centered . As in much of my thought are very revolved around me . This disturbs me a lot , i have this ever lingering feeling its not what i should be doing . I should be going out to expand my mind far beyond the reaches of this decaying body , to explore other views , other eyes . However , as you can see from my past 2 entries , it hasn't been the case . So why m'I like that ?

Maybe its my insecurity or my lack of faith in gods promises and words. But whatever the case i desire Jesus to help me out . So hear my plea ... Jesus please accept it.

MY SPACE AGAIN

Dear Reader

Current mood: Discouraged

I was rather bored and in the midst of it , i stumbled a reminiscing site , my former emo blog. For some reason it felt comforting to have found it again. Lets say that , i have a lot to express and well expressing it on any more socially exposed sites is going to hurt my already dropping image i feel :) Cheers and praise god for finding a space to pour out everything again:)

Alright, so lets start:) i've been feeling rather emo these few days (* also contributed by my down right irritating flu ) And i've been reflecting on why . So .....WHAO ! where to start ! hmm ....

OK , i think the first thing that struck me was this distinctive feeling that i been viewed as someone very foolish , naive and childish ... to put it simply, this judgement tagged on my back that "I'm been looked down upon" . Sadly , its usually by the very people i look up too . Not naming names here , but if u have to think about it , you're probably be one of them. Well looking at it from a different point of view....an argument against my over-sensitive notch would be that it's my fault in the first place. See people around me won't look down on me if i have not acted the way that would suggest it. Now comes the problem ... how do you change so that others see the way you want to be seen?

Sadly , i've yet to discover the answer to that. But the issue that could summarize my predicament , is I'm not contented with how/who I'm , i want to be better ! in everything ...! *( i have this feeling this statement is going to cause a stir )