My Next Step

Dear Reader

Current mood: Still Searching

Today was rather laid back for me , spent my mornings trying to survive the ever boring speech from my head of camp about National Day Parade. The rest of the day was spent making sure , i won't run out of driving lessons.

So what's been on my mind?

Well its this ever conscious headache from thinking too much. haha But as i sit here in front of my *sexy mac , i ponder and reflect on my actions these past months and wonder how it could have been better. Its amazing how many things strike me , how there are so many moments i wished i could change , how it could have been more conservative , how it could be more loving , how it could have been handled more maturely. Somehow it adds to this very large discontentment in my life. There are of course wonderful moments , but there is this challenge to make it better :/

Of course , whatever i go through will always be offered up to Jesus. The issue comes is when Jesus tells me to do something ... usually revealed the in book of his words. I admit , its really difficult to apply to my life , not because i cant do it * i think anyone is capable of following god's commands and all , in a way its easy. The problem is for how long. Keeping up the commandment is the real heart of the conundrum. So as you can see , more wisdom and understanding is needed for me to pave way for him to enter my life. I'm praying that ...... i'll have the strength and will to make time for Jesus . i owe him ...

The other issue is that , i have this terrible narrow perspective. Its in a way very self-centered . As in much of my thought are very revolved around me . This disturbs me a lot , i have this ever lingering feeling its not what i should be doing . I should be going out to expand my mind far beyond the reaches of this decaying body , to explore other views , other eyes . However , as you can see from my past 2 entries , it hasn't been the case . So why m'I like that ?

Maybe its my insecurity or my lack of faith in gods promises and words. But whatever the case i desire Jesus to help me out . So hear my plea ... Jesus please accept it.

MY SPACE AGAIN

Dear Reader

Current mood: Discouraged

I was rather bored and in the midst of it , i stumbled a reminiscing site , my former emo blog. For some reason it felt comforting to have found it again. Lets say that , i have a lot to express and well expressing it on any more socially exposed sites is going to hurt my already dropping image i feel :) Cheers and praise god for finding a space to pour out everything again:)

Alright, so lets start:) i've been feeling rather emo these few days (* also contributed by my down right irritating flu ) And i've been reflecting on why . So .....WHAO ! where to start ! hmm ....

OK , i think the first thing that struck me was this distinctive feeling that i been viewed as someone very foolish , naive and childish ... to put it simply, this judgement tagged on my back that "I'm been looked down upon" . Sadly , its usually by the very people i look up too . Not naming names here , but if u have to think about it , you're probably be one of them. Well looking at it from a different point of view....an argument against my over-sensitive notch would be that it's my fault in the first place. See people around me won't look down on me if i have not acted the way that would suggest it. Now comes the problem ... how do you change so that others see the way you want to be seen?

Sadly , i've yet to discover the answer to that. But the issue that could summarize my predicament , is I'm not contented with how/who I'm , i want to be better ! in everything ...! *( i have this feeling this statement is going to cause a stir )

The midnight anthem

When the morning breaks ,

just as the sun touches the edge of the world,

he wakes to remind himself

he has no resolve

his trials are not important.

He mission forward to bring the light to others

making sure that he leave none for himself.

Then everytime as the red sphere falls,

as the stars slowly waken,

there he waits .. head bowed low...

there are no lights

no candle to hold his own ...

he waits ... spirits on the floor ...

for his devil to whisper ....

"You are all alone"

Feelings oh Feelings

Dear Reader

Current mood: Limited

For the past week i've been trying to tidy up my life and i kinda stumbled abit. I so happen to realize that my emotional state has a hell lot of work to do.... For years of my life i have been rather ignorant about my feelings, and take things that happen to me rather personally ... which is detrimental to myself of course. Little things will hit me hard, and though i can cover it up ... there is no denying it had affected me. So diving into this part of my life to fix it was ... how you say it... frightening, because it opens you up to years of emotional negligence and its like a flood of misplaced loneliness , sadness, pain , denial , joy ... hitting you in one go. But as terrifying as it is, i cant wait to deal with each feeling and finally organize ... hopefully ... another part of my life! haha peace out

MY LEFT SIDE BRAIN!

Dear Readers

Current Mood: Rather calm and relaxed

Now things are starting to settle down...again. Its surprising how life seems so much more meaningful when you set goals and discipline yourself. Like for me now, it sets my mind to move forward, i can't elope myself to get stuck in the past. i only find the past to learn ...and then i just walk forward. It really helps me alot cos now i seem to have more energy and life to spend it on the people around me haha . Kewl! hha

Friends and Class

Dear Readers

Current Mood: Happy and Treasured ... but sian (thanks to Work)

Just finished graduation 2 days ago, it was one of those days i wont forget. Not because of the graduation however, but my post Grad party. It was one that reassured me of myself , the people around me and most of all how both meant to me.

First off, to tell you the truth .... Before the party, i wasn't feeling very happy. I was rather deep in thought, one especially about my future and my relationships. It looked unpromising...

But during the party it took a turn for the better. The highlight of the night was a chat with my close friend, Swee ting, she kinda opened my eyes. Didn't have such an engaging talk for a long time now. We chatted about her current life, her past and some personal stuff ( heh! Swee thing *wink *wink *evil smile) haha :p. And i realized something , i was touched at how much she treasured her friends .... as i sat there listening, i couldn't help but admire how good a friend she is. LOL , for those close friends of hers , if you heard what i heard, you will be touched too.

That moment,i thought maybe life had a fighting chance .... maybe the future wasn't going to be that bad.

Too Swee Ting: Thanks for being such a great friend! You are a wonderful person , filled with sincerity and "logic" hahaha :p I know you will do just fine in life! Even though life kinda suck with the job taking so many things from you now, i bet things will get better soon and you'll find that balance of work , friends and personal time.lol But for now please remember to takecare of yourself and steal time from work as much as you can! ( Still got to get you to that spa and massage and wonderful eating day). If you ever need anyone to talk or accompany you (or massage :p) , i'm always here ! lets make this friendship last! haha

P.s As much as you treat us as treasures , you are our treasure too ;)

What i'd become ...

Dear Readers

Current mood: Sad and Conflicted

I dunno how to start this post, i can only relate best what my mind can comprehend with my emotions, reflection, thoughts going through my head now. Today i learnt something about myself , something hard to face ... something i have become.

Firstly noticed how much i have drifted from god... the one guy i have always drew strength from. i don't pray as often as before, his priority in my life suddenly dropped ... i even believe god sent my mom to wake up my idea. Just this afternoon my mom called to ask why wasn't in church, she even commented that I'm lagging, she's not even catholic and she is telling me that I'm drifting ... i felt really sad after hearing it .. cos i opened my eyes to see how far away I'm to god.

Secondly, my attitude has also changed .... seeing myself, i don't like what i have become. i feel so different and its not in a good way. Where has my compassion gone? Where has my understanding-ness gone? Where has my patience and calmness gone? Where is my need for challenge gone? my standards?? .... I dunno , this may be a stroke of insecurities or a awareness of who i really m in the first place... but i feel i lost myself and i'm not sure where i'm heading too .... Jesus i need you more then ever.